


Gut Spill

by tsunderetoast



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Bi-Curiosity, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Character(s), Minor cursing, Neku is in denial about everything, Rain, Secret Crush, Sexuality Crisis, Texting, [neku voice] iM NOT GAY MOM, does get a little steamy ;), light internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 15:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18968482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsunderetoast/pseuds/tsunderetoast
Summary: Neku hasn't spoken to Joshua in weeks. He ignores his texts and call, no contact. It's not because he's angry at him, if anything, Neku's angry at himself.





	Gut Spill

**Author's Note:**

> This for my homie KiKi  
> Love you boo~  
> (no homo)

Rain pattered down the window pane behind my back. With phone in hand I scrolled through the text logs between me and Joshua. Occasionally he would shoot me a text asking a dumb question or something else that I couldn’t bring myself to respond to. I skimmed over old conversations, reading a few select messages with care. Messages like; “I hope you’re doing okay” “I’m sorry” “Are you flirting with me? ;)” so on and so forth. But one in particular really stuck with me. Well, it was more of a conversation. We were joking about who would be a good couple with the others in our group chat. It was all just teasing and jokes, nothing serious.

 

I proclaim my love for thee, dearest Beat ( ˘ ³˘)❤: Shiki

I’ve always wanted a sister in law: Shiki

They will be wed on top of the 104 building and skateboard down the aisle: Josh

not gonna lie, that sounds kinda cool: Beat

Me: get a room you two ;P

The skateboarding part! You know shiki really ain’t my type: Beat

No offence shiki: Beat

None taken (=´∀`)人(´∀‘=) I like you more as a friend anyway: Shiki

Excuses excuses: Josh

Me: beat’s going to marry his skateboard

A love story still better than twilight: Josh

oh yeah phones? so when are you and josh finally gonna hookup? :Beat

Yeah, it’s been ages: Shiki

What’s taking you nerds so long?: Shiki

We’re hooking up right now: Josh

Me: OHMYGOD

Me: NO

Dearest Neku, will you do me the honor of becoming my one and only ～(^з^)-♡: Josh

I shall smother you in kisses, hugs, and compliments all day every day: Josh

Get a room you two!: Shiki

I’m just playin around, I know phones don’t swing that way: Beat

Or at least I dont think he does: Beat

Me: I’m gonna kill you beat

I’m just joking! I know you like chicks: Beat

 

I closed my phone and laid back on my bed. Instead opting to stare at the grey ceiling, listening to raindrops hit the rooftops and pavement outside. Admidily, Beat was right. I did like girls. I know I found girls attractive and could see myself dating them. That’s a fact I’ve known since I was five and I’ve never questioned it. But...something happened. More specifically, Joshua happened. There was something about him that was alluring. Sure, on the surface he’s a prick and an asshole. But there have been moments where he was genuinely sweet. Like when he remembered my birthday and even got me a stuffed fox as a gift. I honestly didn’t expect him to get me anything, or even remember. He’s kinda funny too. Makes me laugh till the point my chest ached and I started tearing up. I’d be gasping for breaths and he’d still keep going. I never knew he was that comedic. Come to think of it, he’s really unpredictable in general. Sweet one second, prick the next. Not full on annoying, just...prick-ish? A little mix of condescending, a bit of teasing, and a bit sadistic to be honest. But, he was fun to be around regardless if he was being a dick at the moment. Reaching up the bed, I grab the fox plush and pressed it close to my chest.

Feeling at the soft orange fur, I thought more about him. Sometimes during our shopping trips, he would try on a thing or two and ask me how it looked on him. Being frank, nearly everything looked good on him. I’m not sure how or why, but Josh just had the body type that made everything work on him. I’m a bit jealous actually. Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen him looking even slightly disheveled. Always properly groomed, nails cut, hair clean, skin clear, lips never chapped. He looked perfect. Come to think of it, I wonder what he used for his skin since it's really soft. I mean I’m not actively feeling up on him or anything like that. It’s just the few times I’ve physically touched him, whether it be an accidental bump or helping his zip up a dress, I noticed that his skin is incredibly soft. Like a baby's. And I’ve always wondered what he used for his lips. They always look so gentle, like a pair of pink pillows. I’ve never seen his lips chapped or anything like that. Their kind of hypnotic, I’ll find myself staring at them for a few seconds before snapping back to my senses. Being frank, I kinda want to just caress that skin like the tips of my knuckles did when I helped him into a dress just the other week. To feel his flesh under my fingers, to run the pads of my senses up his smooth as silk back. Same with his lips, I just wanted to run the tip of my thumb across them. Feeling their soft yet velvety texture under my finger. Maybe...Maybe even both at the same time. Caressing his cheek while my thumb is stroking his lips slowly…

Him looking at me with those deep lavender eyes…

His hot breath fanning against my thumb…

I’ll notice he’s getting closer to my face…

_But I don’t stop him…_

_Josh pulls me closer and he starts to-_

Wait

_What the hell am I thinking!?_

I’m a guy

_He’s a guy_

That’s not...No!

I was just admiring his skincare routine!

_I don’t actually want to do any of that stuff with him!_

_That’s weird!_

A pit formed in my stomach as I thought that. Dread swept over me as I stared back up at my ceiling. My body wanted to deteriorate right there on the bed. All I felt was shame and embarrassment. I hated it. I hated thinking about him so much. I hated how he made me feel. I hated myself. It shook me to the core, thinking that there may be some kind of possibility that I might...No. No, I don’t feel that way. I only think of him as a friend, that’s it. Joshua is my friend, nothing else. Joshua will _always_ be just a friend

 

The sound of the front door opening echoed through the house. _‘That’s weird’_ I thought ‘ _Mom and dad shouldn’t be home till later today…oh god, someone just broke in, oh my god’_

I pushed my thought of Joshua aside before springing off my bed. Scanning the room frantically, trying to find something to use as a makeshift weapon. Unfortunately, I wasn’t finding a whole lot of options...dammit… But out of the corner of my vision, I noticed a pair of metal scissors laying on my desk. Perfect. Just as I was going to grab them, I froze as I heard a familiar voice call out.

“Nekuuuu! Are you hooooome!?”

 _Goddammit, of course it’s him. Of course he comes to my house!_   

I took a deep breath before reluctantly opening my bedroom door. As the door swung open, he was revealed. Drenched in rain, practically dripping even. He was hugging himself, looking around for me I assume.

“Joshua? What the hell?” I asked lethargically.

“Oh, Neku.” He smiled at me. “Sorry, There was an accident at the train station and they say it’s going to be a few hours till it’s cleared.”

“Accident? Is everything alright?”  
“Yeah, I don’t think anyone was hurt. Just messy I guess.” Josh shrugged his shoulders a bit dismissively.

I gave a simple affirming “hm.” as I couldn’t help but noticing the salvaged raindrops cascaded down his form. The droplets graced down his pale arms and sensually fell down his neck and chin. His clothes were wet as well, well, mainly his shirt.   He already wore his shirt pretty loosely, so seeing a bit of his collarbone was nothing out of the ordinary. But, dress shirts do not mix with rain, or water in general. I could see his thin shoulders and upper part of his chest right through the soaking wet grey fabric.

“If you could take a break from undressing me with your eyes and tell me where your towels are so I don’t die of hypothermia, that’d be great.”

A rush of blood came to my face as I was taken aback by Joshua’s words. _Damnitt, he caught me!_ It was at this point I realized that he was starting to shiver lightly as he looked at me with those snarky eyes that were accompanied with a smirk of the same nature.

“O-Oh yeah...Sorry. Towels are down the hall in the closet.” I stammered.

“Thanks, also can you take my phone?” Joshua put his phone into my chest. “I don’t want it to get wetter than it already is. And If it rings, can you call me? I’m expecting a call soon.” Joshua rattled off.

“Oh sure, is there anything else you’d like, your majesty?”

“Appreciate it if you didn’t go through my text messages.”

“Wasn’t planning on it but alright.”

“Good.” Joshua smirked before walking down the hall. _Prick_

I put his phone in my pocket before walking over to the couch. I flopped down on the couch letting out a heavy sigh. With heavy eyelids, I began to overthink some more as I stared back into the ceiling.

 _His train gets delayed so he plans to spend the next few hours at my house? Hell, I didn’t even know Josh took the train. I know he probably wanted to get out of the rain, but my place isn’t exactly close to the station. Couldn’t he have called his parents or Mr.H to drive him home? Why was he even IN Shibuya today? As far as I know, there aren’t really any events or sales going on today. Maybe he’s just here to hang out with Shiki or Beat? I don’t know… Maybe I’m just reading to much into this? I can’t deny the fact that it is strange that Josh decided to show up at my place, especially considering I’ve been kinda avoiding him for the last few weeks...I mean...I can’t tell him why. I can never tell anyone why I’ve been avoiding him. Everyone probably assumes I’m pissed at him or we had a falling out. But that’s not why. Sure he’s a dick every now and again, but the real reason isn’t his fault. It’s mine. My head is the reason we aren’t talking as much. It’s awkward being around him nowadays. But not being around him; it’s only making these kind of thoughts worse. Thinking about Joshua, you know, like that. I hate it, it feels so wrong. But at the same time, I can’t stop. I kinda don’t want to stop...I hate to admit it but a weird part of me LIKES having these thoughts about him. I like daydreaming about him and I, you know, like_ **_that_ ** _. Yeah, It makes me feel weird, but it’s a good kind of weird. Like butterflies thrashing around in the pit of your stomach. It feels weird and you hate it, but goddamn does it put a smile on your face. But I know that thinking about Joshua like that is wrong. Not just because he’s a guy, but because he’s my friend. Having these thoughts about him is distorting my idea of him. I can’t say it enough, I hate it. I hate my head for making me think all these weird things about my friend. I hate that it’s making things weird and awkward for us. The thing I hate the most is that it’s making me think that I really might actually-_

 

A burst of vibration to my leg brought me back to the here and now. Thinking it was just a text or email for me, I pulled the phone out and flipped it open. Messages between me and Shiki were visible when the screen became visible. Wait, scanning over the portion of messages what was displayed on the small screen, I don’t really remember typing these messages. Hell, I don’t remember having this conversation with her. Scrolling up, I soon found a portion of messages that made my blood run cold.

 

Me: Hey, can I ask you a weird question?

Yeah, what’s up?: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: Do you know why Neku’s been avoiding me lately?

Me: Is he mad at me about something?

I don’t think so?: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

He hasn’t said anything to me about it at least: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

What’s going on? (if you don’t mind me asking): Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: I honestly don’t know

Me: He isn't talking to me or responding to my messages

Did you guys have a falling out?: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: No! He just stopped talking to me

Me: Should I be worried?

Probably not: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

He gets in these moods sometimes and he just needs his space: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: Does he do that for long periods of time?

Me: He’s been avoiding for weeks

Weeks!?: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Okay, we might need an intervention: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: Intervention!?

Me: Is it that serious?

It’s not like him to dodge texts from his friends for that long: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Somethings up: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

I can feel it: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: So what do you think we should do?

Alright, this is gonna sound crazy. But it might work: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Try going over to his place and talking it out: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: What!?

Me: Are you high!?

Me: I can’t just confront him like that!

Not like an interrogation!: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

It’ll just be like clearing the air, nothing too serious: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: Is going to his apartment really the best course of action?

That’s the place he’s most likely to be: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Wait: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Maybe don’t come off too strong to start: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Say you were in the neighborhood and just wanted to visit: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: And then what!?

Uhhhh: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Here, I’ll call you in a bit, after you’re in: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

We’ll talk from there: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

Me: Alright I’m almost there

Me: I’m outside his place

Alright, I’ll call you in a bit: Shiki (ΦωΦ)

 

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. All I could do is stare at the pixels that revealed a plot to expose me. _They’re on to me._   _Oh my god, what do I tell him!? I can’t tell him the truth! What will he think of me!? What will everyone think of me!? I have to make something up. Maybe I’ve been sick with the flu? Or I just haven't been getting his messages? Or maybe-_

“Nekuuuu!” a sing-song voice called out.

I quickly shut his phone and hastily shoved it back into my pocket.

“Yeah Josh?” I called back.

“Is it okay if I use one of your shirts while mine dries?”

“Yeah, first drawer in my room.”

“Alright, thanks!”

I heard feet shuffling down the hallway. A few seconds later Joshua popped out from the corner, somewhat dry now. Oh yeah, and shirtless too.

“Do you mind if I have my phone back?”

“Oh yeah, here.” getting up from the couch and walking over to him, I pulled the phone out of my pocket and handed it to him, trying my best not to look at his bare chest.

“Thanks” he replied, taking the phone “hope you had fun going through my messages.”

I stifled back a croke to reply with “Oh yeah, you wish.” I scoffed biting my tongue and internally screaming at Josh’s unnervingly accurate teasing.

Unexpectedly, I felt a soft grip around my wrist.

“Come on, let’s go to your room.” Joshua trugged me along the hallway.

“W...Wait! Why?”

“Because I want to, plus I’ll get to further criticizes what you call a fashion sense” Joshua teased as he pulled me to my bedroom door.

The door swung open and he practically flung me into my room before going to look through the top drawer of my dresser. Flopping down on my bed defeated, I watched Joshua file through the semi-folded shirts. I tried to avert my eyes from his exposed form. Well, try isn’t exactly the right word. I did occasionally sneak glances at him. I’d let my eyes trail down his back, noticing how his spine showed it’s outline near his neck. Or how there was a light dip lower down, near the beginning on his pants. I knew Josh always had more feminine looking hips but now that I’m really looking at them, just wow...kinda hot honestly…

Joshua pulled a shirt out of the stack and pulled it over his head. He tugged it down, covering him up.

“Thanks for letting me stay.” Josh smiled as he sat next to me on the bed.

“Oh, uh, yeah no problem.” I awkwardly smiled back.

For a few moments, we said nothing. We just sat in silence, painful, awkward silence. The only sound was the rain picking up outside, pounding on the window behind us. _He’s going to crack the question, I know it. That’s the whole reason he came after all! What the hell am I going tell him!? Obviously, I absolutely positively cannot tell him the truth. Absolutely not. So then, what am I going to tell him? I had the flu or that I just been busy? Maybe I should-_

“Neku…?” Josh finally spoke in a hushed voice.  

_Oh god, it’s time._

“Um, yeah?” I returned, clearing my throat.  

“There’s a real reason why I came here…”

“Oh yeah?” I stuttered out, trying to fake ignorance.

“Listen” He stood up from the bed and took a few paced across the room “I’m not going to beat around the bush. We both know what’s going on...”

_Wait. No. Oh my god. No, he can’t. He can’t know. How would he know-_

Joshua turned around to face me, crossing his arms.

“Why have you been avoiding me lately?” Joshua questioned in a firm tone. “I’m not leaving without an answer.”

“Oh, I uh...well...well you see...see the thing is-” My words came out of my mouth jumbled and fragmented before being cut off.

“Are you mad at me?” His eyes softened as he looked at me “You can tell me if you are, I’m not a child.”

“N...No! No, I’m not-”

“Then why are you avoiding me!?” Joshua snapped harshly. His lavender eyes were filled with confusion and frustration.

The rain picked up even more, like bullets hitting the glass pane. The air and pressure was growing thicker with every passing second. It was growing harder to breathe, It felt like I was being strangled as Joshua yelled at me.

“Why!? Why have you been ignoring my texts!? Why have you been ignoring me!? Why won’t you tell me-”

“ **_I’m avoiding you because I’m afraid I might be in love with you!_ **” The words were choked out of my throat and spilled onto the room. Tears spilled out of my eyes while shame and guilt dripped from my lips. Guts and humiliation plunged from my body. All at once, Everywhere.

Joshua was stunned silent. He didn’t say a thing, what could he say? What is he thinking? Is he surprised? Disgusted? Mortified?

“You’re…” Joshua finally croaked out “ _You’re in love with me?_ ”

“I’m disgusting Joshua...I’ve been having weird thoughts...about you…” I confessed through the sobs, sniffles, and shame “I shouldn’t be thinking about you like this...you’re a boy...but more importantly you’re my friend! I shouldn’t be thinking about my friends like this-”

“Neku.” Josh cut me off in a hushed, sweet sounding voice.

I looked up to see him knelt down to my level. His eyes were filled with...god, I don’t even know what. His hand slid to caress my tear stained cheek, using his thumb to wipe away stray tears.

“Look, I didn’t know how to tell you this but...now seems like the best time...” His eyes darted to the ground and to the surrounding walls.

“I’ve…” He stopped to clear his throat “I’ve felt the same way about you for a while now…”

“You...You have?” I sputtered in disbelief.

He nodded “I’ve also had...weird thoughts about you too…” he continued, now looking me directly in the eyes “I’ve wanted to tell you, but, I didn’t know how you’d react…”

“Well, I guess that means we both love each other, huh?” I mumbled, still lightly crying.

“Yeah, I...I guess so…” Josh replied with the same tone as he began to inch closer slowly. My hand rested on his cheek. His skin softer than I imagined...was the same true with his lips?

“Do you want me to stop?” He whispered close to my face as he tilted his to the side.

“No.” I breathlessly whispered against his lips. My eyes began to flutter shut with his. Our lips met soon after. I was right, his were soft. I literally felt high in that moment. His breath fanning against my skin. His hand cupping my cheek as the free one trailed up from the back of my neck and into my hair. The light inhales and gasps we take between kisses. I wanted to hold Joshua close, closer than ever before. All other thoughts were pushed out of my mind. I didn’t care if this was wrong or weird. I didn’t care what this meant for us going forward. I didn’t care. All that mattered was Joshua and his sweet as candy lips. I guess Beat was right, _we should have done this sooner..._ Eventually, we had to pull away for air. In between breaths, we stared into each other's eyes.

“Do you...um…” it was awkward trying to find the words “Do you wanna, like, cuddle?”

“Certainly.” He replied with a smile.

He then got up from his knelt position before crawling behind me and laying down on the bed.

“Aw, you kept the fox I gave you.” Josh cooed, looking over at it.

“Course I did.” I crawled on the bed and nuzzled myself between his arm and chest. My head rested under his chin while my arm was stretched across his chest. I could feel his chest rising and falling with each breath he took.

“I’m gonna be honest Neku, I never thought you’d be the one to confess first.”

“When were you planning on confessing then?”

“I..um...I was working on it.”

“Oh sure…”

“Shut up.”

“That’s my line.” I lightly laughed as I felt his arm tighten around me.

We stayed silent for a long time. After all, there was nothing to say at the moment. Or rather that we wanted to say. But that didn’t matter at the moment, or we just didn’t care. The rain continued to pelt against the window, but I didn’t care.

“Hey, Neku?” Joshua asked, sounding a bit hesitant

“Hm?”

“I love you…” He forced out. I smiled up at him.

“I love you too, asshole.”


End file.
